请教外贸英语的修改合理性

之前在本论坛的其他帖子里看到《外贸英语汉译英赏析》的帖子zllpmyyjjjjjylzw?rva53692a1a1_zlgd，里面讲了很多关于外贸英语的例句和翻译，自己从中也学到了很多。但在那之前也看到过一篇《(原创)新手如何写好发信，加大成交率？--附上老外的建议和成交案例 （书已上市）》的帖子，里面说到写给老外的发信不能过于啰嗦，要到简单简单再简单，所以对于《外贸英语汉译英赏析》里面的一些例句说出自己的一些个人见解，本人是新手，英语更是烂到家，只是想与大家交流交流，也想大家指点一下小弟，绝无其他意思，望相关人员谅解。下面是我整理出来的一些句子：（有些没修改就直接放上去，希望原版主不要跟新人计较。如果有什么语法或者语气不得当的，希望大家指点，在此谢过）(1)? ? ? ? 我们希望指出,这里市场竞争激烈,要想成功地销出去,你方报价须具有吸引力,否则将有困难.原翻译：Fierce competition in the local market here means that, it seems obvious to us, it would be difficult for us to promote the sale of your products if your quotation is not attractive to our end-users here.修改（有待确认）：Fierce competition in the local market means that it would be difficult for us to successfully promote your products. Your quotation must be attractive to our end-users.(2)? ? ? ? 如果你方的价格得的话,我们相信能成大生意.原文：If your prices are attractive, we believe we can make big business.修改：You give attractive prices. We can make big business. (语气是否会太肯定？)(3)? ? ? ? 很高兴到你方8月25日询价,根据你方要求,今寄上有插图的目录和明细价目单.原文：We were very pleased to receive your inquiry of August 25 and enclose our illustrated catalogue and the detailed price-list as you asked.修改：Glad to receive your inquiry of August 25. Our illustrated catalogue and detailed price-list will be sending to u.(4)? ? ? ? 我方可保证到订单后两周内交货.原文1：We guarantee to deliver the goods within fourteen days of receipt of your order.（交易条款已谈妥）原文2：We would try to effect shipment in fourteen days of the receipt of your order.（未确定条款）修改：The receipt of your order would be tried to effect shipment in fourteen days. (“try to”的去留决定条款是否谈妥)(5)? ? ? ? 如果是英国人或英联邦国家的,可按英国式的"日,月,年"排列,(18 August, 2004 ) ;如果是美国公司或背景不是很清楚的,可按美国式的"月,日,年"词序排列( 如: August 18, 2004)(6)? ? ? ? 我方产品质量上乘,价格合理原文：Our products / goods are both excellent in quality and reasonable in price.修改：Our products are high quality and price is reasonable.(7)? ? ? ? 询盘①? ? ? ? 大量询盘证明我们产品质量过硬。原文：Hey enquiries witness the quality of our products perfect.②? ? ? ? 很遗憾，你们所询的货物现在无货原文：We regret that the goods you inquire about are not ailable.修改：Most regrettably,the goods you inquire out of stock.（”out of stock”是否有点生僻？）③? ? ? ? 你们的询盘不明确，我们无法答复原文：Your enquiry is too uncertainty to enable us to reply you.修改：We cannot reply cuz(美式)/coz(英式) your uncertainty enquiry. (待定)④? ? ? ? 既然我们已经给你们报价，可否尽快给予答复？原文：Now that we've already given you the quotation, will you pls reply as soon as possible?修改：The quotation of products he been send, pls reply soon, thx.⑤? ? ? ???请告知我对有关商品的最低接受价。原文：Please let us know your lowest possible prices for the relevant goods.修改：Pls let me know the lowest prices you can accept.⑥? ? ? ???不知你们能不能接受在一段时间里分批交货？原文：Would you accept delivery spread over a period of time?(8)? ? ? ? 需求大则必然会造成涨价,这一点希望引起你方注意,同时请你们早日作答原文：Active demand will certainly result in increased price, and for this reason we expect your early reply.修改：We expect you’re for active demand result in increased price early reply.(语气有待改善)