20年外贸老人修改的开发信--4

案例2：刚刚帮一位网友修改的开发信

开发信原文：Dear**

Gladtoknowyoufromyourwebsite,thatyouaretheleadingcompanyinJapanformachinevisionsystem.

Thisis***companyhere.Iamsurewearetherightoneforyoutoseekvisionsolution,Industryinformation,customizingproductsonyourrequest.

Maybewecanhelpyoutosaveatleast10%costsavingwithmorehighqualityservice.

Someofournewmodels,suchasMachinevisionLens/Bi-TelecentricLens/HDXGAIndustrialCameras,haveabrightmarketathomeandabroad.

Couldyoupleasedomeafavortotellmewhatitemsaremoresalableforyou?

Bestregards,

Ling

点评：

Gladtoknowyoufromyourwebsite,thatyouaretheleadingcompanyinJapanformachinevisionsystem.（后面再追一句概述他的业务性质，特色等的话，表示你对他们慎重研究了。(比如：Ijustnoticethatyoupaymuchattentiontoloweryourcostforqualitymachinevisionsystem.)

Thisis***companyhere.（这句话好硬，过渡不自然，缺少人情味。MayIintroducemyselftoyou?IamXXX,fromXXXX.这样会更人情味点。）Iamsurewearetherightoneforyoutoseekvisionsolution,Industryinformation,customizingproductsonyourrequest.（这后面一句太突然，没有过渡。）

Maybe(这个词没有力度，不自信，犹豫不肯定）wecanhelpyoutosaveatleast10%costsavingwithmorehighqualityservice.

Someofournewmodels,suchasMachinevisionLens/Bi-TelecentricLens/HDXGAIndustrialCameras,haveabright（有点歧义，不如就用good,注意用最简单的英语，日本人英语不好。）marketathomeandabroad.

Couldyoupleasedomeafavortotellmewhatitemsaremoresalableforyou?（这句有点突然。）

修改：

外贸英语开发信

2015-08-31 423阅读

问题/讨论

我要向AI提问

AI回答：

Dear**,

I just noticed from your website that you are the leading company in Japan for machine vision systems. It's clear that you pay much attention to lowering your costs while providing high-quality solutions.

May I introduce myself? I am Ling from***company. We are confident that we are the right choice for you to seek vision solutions, industry information, and customizable products.

We are certain that we can help you save at least 10% on costs with more high-quality services.

Some of our new models, such as Machine Vision Lens, Bi-Telecentric Lens, and HDXGA Industrial Cameras, have been doing well both domestically and abroad.

Could you please do me a favor and tell me which items are more saleable for you?

Best regards,

Ling

评论：

这封改过的开发信流畅自然，用简单的英语措辞。通过自我介绍来引入对方，再提到产品和服务，最后询问他们的需求。改得非常好！

2023-05-21

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