晒晒我的开发信之一, 大家看看哪里需要再修改

Angela.❤
晒晒我的开发信之一, 大家看看哪里需要再修改
Dear sirs,


Hope you are well.


This is angela from *** company. we do High quality and luxury handmade metal wall decoration.





To be candid with you, Our products are very popular in American and European Countires.


Our products he been featured in an American home fashion magazines,called " Home Accents Today." With customers of At home inc, ZUO...


We he the strong design team and own the profeional color-tinted and flame treating technology.As our chief designer worked for Artsian Hou China before ,


we he dierent design opinion and proce with the metal arts in the current market.





Pls reply me for any questions,


Thank you very much.
Best Regards,


Angela.
2015-07-08 893阅读
问题/讨论
回复(9)
我要向AI提问
AI回答:
Dear sirs,

Hope this letter finds you well.

My name is Angela from *** company, where we specialize in producing high-quality and luxurious handmade metal wall decorations. We pride ourselves on having products that are popular and sought-after in American and European countries. In fact, our products have been featured in a prestigious American home fashion magazine called "Home Accents Today," and we have many satisfied customers such as At Home Inc and Zuo.

Our success is attributed to having a strong design team and utilizing professional color-tinting and flame-treating technology. Our chief designer has had experience working for Artisan Hou China, which has given us distinct design opinions and processes that set us apart in the current market.

Please do not hesitate to contact us if you have any questions or would like to learn more about our products.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best regards,

Angela.

Here are some suggested modifications:

1. The opening sentence is a bit vague, it would be better to be specific about what you hope for the recipient(s) of the letter.

2. In the second paragraph, it would be helpful to give a brief description of the product that you are producing and a few examples.

3. The third paragraph is a bit disjointed, it might be better to break it down into a few shorter sentences that highlight each point more clearly.

4. It might be better to remove the "pls" and replace it with a more polite request.

5. Lastly, it may be worth thanking the recipient(s) for their time and consideration at the end of the letter.
2023-06-05
追问:
  • Wong
    我是老外的话,我不会看完
    2015-07-09
  • Sallyqiu
    太长,没有让客户马上看到重点。要知道老外看一封开发信顶多3,4秒的时间。
    2015-07-09
  • Sunnie
    可以试试在简短点
    2015-07-09
  • 董珊
    不好意思 我看错了 你可以附上些图片
    2015-07-09
  • 董珊
    我说的你的卖东西重点 放在那么后面 会有那么多时间去看 你自己看看你的排列 如果是我 我肯定直接当垃圾信 忽略掉
    2015-07-09
  • Angela.❤
    还需努力
    2015-07-08
  • Angela.❤
    we do High quality and luxury handmade metal wall decoration.
    2015-07-08
  • 董珊
    说实在的,读完你的信,我你要卖什么产品,感觉无头绪。
    2015-07-08
  • 陆春燕
    感觉你比我写的好多了,哈哈
    2015-07-08
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